Letter One

Dear birds who
frequent my front yard:

A voice whispered in my ear,
“Buy it and they will come.”
I was confused, and said, “Buy what?”
The voice said, “Cheep!”
So I went to the store and looked for something cheap.
I found a colorful glass birdbath
on a wrought iron base.
It was on sale.
I bought it.

I set it up in the front yard,
filled it with water,
added three big rocks (for ambiance),
… and waited…

No one came.

Okay… one bird came.
An avian bath critic, perhaps,
who apparently voted
two wings down.

Perhaps I should have splurged
on the Jacuzzi model, or maybe
the optional water slide.
But I did not.
After all, the voice did say cheap.

Henceforth, little birds,
If you aren’t going to utilize
the colorful glass birdbath
on the wrought iron base,
please stay downwind from me.
There are few things worse
than an unbathed bird.

And please,
stop whispering in my ear.

Sincerely,
Birdbath Owner

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Letter Two

Dear dog who sits at the bathroom door
every time I pee:

You’ve taught me a lot
since you came to live with me.
Like not to leave socks lying around.
Or pens. Or slippers.
Or granola in a bowl of milk.

I’ve tried to teach you things, too.
Like barking to alert me
of your need to go outside.
Like NOT barking to alert me
every time the neighbors walk by.
And that it’s bad form to drink from the toilet
or to try to hump the cat.

I’ve seen you staring out the window
at the colorful glass birdbath
on the wrought iron base.
Could that have something to do
with its unpopularity?

Please don’t chase the birds.
I am fairly certain they do not want
to play with you.

Cordially,
Alpha Pack Leader

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Letter Three

Dear Cat who
shares my domicile:

There’s a new water dish
in the front yard for you.
It’s made of colorful glass
on a wrought iron base.
We can remove the three big rocks
if you don’t like the ambiance.

I’m really sorry about the dog thing.
What can I say… he likes you.

Faithfully,
Filler of the Water Dish

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