Category Archives: humor

Body Dump

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After multiple seasons of chipping my lawnmower blade on a chunk of concrete protruding from the grass at the very edge of my property, I decided one day to dig the offending obstruction out of the ground.

I grabbed a shovel and set to it. The more I dug, however, the more I found. Ultimately, I discovered I had come upon the burial site of a heavy concrete birdbath — pedestal and all – chunked into several pieces. Kind of like a victim in a creepy ax murder movie, only with cement dust instead of blood. More than I had bargained for, at any rate.

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I loaded the pieces into my wheelbarrow and dumped them next to my driveway until I could figure out a way to get rid of the body – er, I mean birdbath. After a few months of staring at the rubble, I came up with a plan. I would hide the body in plain sight!

I had dug up a circular section of turf in the middle of my yard several months previously, admittedly with no clue as to how I was going to incorporate it into my landscape theme (or lack thereof). Keep the neighbors guessing, I always say.

So here I had this garden-like circular space and these rock-like concrete chunks. What better way to kill two birds with one birdbath, than to combine the garden and the rocks to build a rock garden!

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Of course, I don’t really know how to make a rock garden, but I lined the circle area with the concrete chunks, and then planted a shrub in the middle for good measure. Maybe shrubs don’t belong in rock gardens, and maybe the rock garden will morph into something else over time. Apparently it’s not just the neighbors whom I confound with my actions; I have no clue either as to what I’m doing.

I think I’ve pulled off disguising the birdbath corpse, though. At least there haven’t been any robins or sparrows in long black overcoats and fedora hats pulled low over their eyes knocking at my door.

I wonder what else I will uncover as I continue my random landscape projects. I’m thinking of tearing down the old shed behind my house… what do you suppose lies hidden beneath that?

The Daily Post weekly photo challenge: Repurpose

Cat Wisdom

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This post is based upon a post I wrote for a prior blog I maintained in a previous lifetime.

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Cats are amazing creatures. Not just the whole landing on their feet thing, although that is pretty impressive. But think about it: how can an animal that spends so much of its time sleeping actually manage to develop a personality? And speaking of personalities: how does a pet that really doesn’t give a rip about anything or anyone become so endearing to us?

There’s a lot we can learn from cats, and not just how to eat an entire shrew in one piece. Here are five takeaways from my feline observations:

1. Two naps are better than one. At times when we are trying to weigh out a difficult matter, we are advised that it might be best to “sleep on it” rather than making a rash decision. Cats are very deliberate. They sleep on everything. Eat now or later? No rush, let’s sleep on it awhile. Tease the dog or ignore the dog? No need to decide right now. Sleep on it. Someone has laid out their best clothing for a very important engagement? Oh, cool! Let’s sleep on it!

2. A little spit goes a long way. Cats make do. They are masters at grooming. And yet, compare what they have to work with to our arsenal of personal hygiene products. We have deodorant, shampoos, conditioner, body soap, body lotion, skin cleansers, skin softeners… just to name some bare essentials. Cats have rough tongues and spit. They are minimalists, but they get the job done quite efficiently.

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3. Sometimes you just have to cough up a hairball. Cats are unceremonious about getting rid of what’s bugging them. They don’t worry about proper protocol; they just do what needs to be done. Sometimes we spend so much time hemming and hawing about how to do or say something that we forget what the issue was in the first place. You got something to say? Spit it out. Tactfully, of course. And not on the carpet.

4. Fetch is a four-letter word (and cats can’t spell). Cats don’t kowtow to anyone. You wanna throw a stick… you go fetch it. It’s not that they don’t care about anyone else. Well, maybe that’s it exactly. But for our purpose here, let’s just say that cats have high self-esteem and don’t feel the need to grovel. Groveling is bad, and it messes up the fur.

5. If it didn’t sit well the first time, don’t eat it again (are you dogs out there listening?!?). Cats are known for being finicky about what they eat. And not to pick on dogs, but dogs will eat things that cats won’t even look at sideways. In fact, dogs will eat things that cats have already eaten once. But I digress.

The lesson here is that we can be discriminating about what we will and will not accept or put up with in our lives. And just because someone else thinks something is a good idea for us, just remember it’s not their face in the food bowl.

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As I watch my kitty sitting next to me and staring blankly into space, I’m sure he is contemplating more nuggets of wisdom to reveal to me some day.

We’ve only just clawed the furniture – er, I mean scratched the surface.

The Daily Post Discover Challenge: Conventional Wisdom

If Only They Could Tweet

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George Washington, 1st US president
@realGeorgeWashington
“If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.” #FreedomTrumpsSheep

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Abraham Lincoln, 16th US president
@HonestAbe
“Don’t interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties.” #UGottaReadIt

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Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US president
@TeddyR
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the president… is morally treasonable to the American public.” #SNL #MerylStreep

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Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd US president
@FDR
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” #EleanorActuallySaidThat #FLOTUS_Rocks

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Calvin Coolidge, 30th US president
@SilentCal
“The government of the United States is a device for maintaining in perpetuity the rights of the people, with the ultimate extinction of…”

Calvin Coolidge, 30th US president
@SilentCal
“all privileged classes.” #HashtagsAreSilly

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Dwight D Eisenhower, 34th US president
@Ike
“In most communities it is illegal to cry ‘fire’ in a crowded assembly. Should it not be considered serious international misconduct to…”

Dwight D Eisenhower, 34th US president
@Ike
“manufacture a general war scare in an effort to achieve local political aims?”
#thebuckstopshere #bargainingchips

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Harry S Truman, 33rd US president
@GiveEmHellHarry
“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” #YouCanQuoteMe #ButGiveMetheCredit

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James Madison, 4th US president
@DollysHusband
“Liberty may be endangered by the abuse of liberty, but also by the abuse of power.” #WhatsAHashtagAnyway

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Warren G. Harding, 29th US president
@WobblyWarren
“America’s present need is not heroics but healing; not nostrums but normalcy; not revolution but restoration.” #IHateMyNickname

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William Howard Taft, 27th US president
@OldBIll
“We live in a stage of politics, where legislators seem to regard the passage of laws as much more important than the results of their…”

William Howard Taft, 27th US president
@OldBIll
“enforcement.” #LegislateFirstAskQuestionsLater #SAD

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Woodrow Wilson, 28th US president
@TheSchoolmaster
“America was established not to create wealth but to realize a vision, to realize an ideal – to discover and maintain liberty among men.”

Weekend Coffee Share (1/8/17)

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#WeekendCoffeeShare is graciously hosted by Diana at ParttimeMonsterBlog.com.

If we were having coffee, I’d advise you to bring a sweater when you come over. The house was 59 degrees (F) when I woke up this morning. It has since warmed up to 59.5. This is despite my heat pump running nonstop.

I don’t really understand how heat pumps are supposed to work. Something about exchanging inside air and outside air, but with the outside air at 33 degrees, I’m not sure I want it being pumped into my house. Nor do I want 90 degree air coming into my 88 degree home in the summer.

The user’s manual for the unit says something about how the system doesn’t work that great when it’s really cold or really hot outside. Seems to me, those would be the times you would most need it. I must be missing something about how the heat pump works. Mostly – right now – what I’m missing is heat.

Okay, I’m done complaining about creature comforts. For now.

If we were having coffee, I would update you on my kitchen remodel. It has progressed from, “This will be a fun challenge,” to “Oh my God! What have I gotten myself into?!?”

I decided to replace the double doors on the utility closet at the end of my cabinets with a bi-fold door to allow for better visibility and access. I will likely redo the kitchen floor in the near future, so I figured I might as well remove the multiple layers of flooring where I’ll be installing a sill for the bi-fold. The build up from one floor being laid over its predecessors over the years has accumulated to about an inch in depth, so it’s been like an archeological dig getting to the original surface.

I removed the facing at the base of the closet and discovered a mass of what appears to be old wall insulation that has likely housed many a generation of rodents over the past half century.

Without much further investigation, I cleaned all of that out with my shopvac (I haven’t looked yet to see if I sucked up any mousies into the vacuum). Then I peeked under the closet to see what else I might find.

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At the very back of the space, there are two little holes leading to the outer wall of the house. They are cute little holes. In fact they look kind of like the holes drawn in cartoons, where cute little whiskered animals live behind the walls.

Today, I’m going to seal off those cute little holes and remove the boards beneath the adjacent cabinets along that wall. I suspect that entire area has served as a superhighway for rodents over the decades.

Please, have another cup of coffee. I’m in no hurry to get to that particular task. Maybe I’ll position my cat at the entrance to the kitchen in case any current residents become displaced from their nests. The cat would love to make new friends. Unfortunately that’s about all he would do with them.

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I wonder if mice like coffee. Excuse me while I set out an extra cup. Do you suppose they take cream? Or just drink it black?

What? You’re leaving now? Well, okay. Watch your step. We wouldn’t want you squishing any of my cat’s new pets.

I wish you a fantastic, warm and vermin-free week!

Supercize Me

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Today’s Daily Post Discover Challenge asks us to celebrate our Superpower.

I don’t generally contemplate superheroes and superpowers. I didn’t read comic books as a kid, and I didn’t play with superpeople action figures.

If there were superhero video games – actually if there were any video games – in those long ago days, I was oblivious to their existence. The only game I knew that employed a joystick was Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

I do recall watching Batman and Robin on TV, but the only real superpower they seemed to have was the ability to slide down a fire pole and arrive at the bottom dressed in full crime-fighting regalia. I don’t recall ever seeing how they got back into their civvies after saving Gotham City and returning to the bat cave. Maybe they shinnied back up the pole, gathering back the bits and pieces of clothing from where they had been shucked on the way down.

It would appear that superheroes don’t generally get to choose their special powers. Spiderman was accidentally bitten by a radioactive spider. He may have wanted to grow up to be a human cannonball, but no – the errant arachnid consigned him to scaling walls and spewing dental floss from his palms.

Superman was born with his powers, which weren’t even “super” on his planet of birth; they just appeared so to the non-super types here on Earth. Wonder Woman’s powers were gifts from the Greek gods. I doubt she got to pick her gifts. You know how Greek gods are, always wanting things done their way.

As to my own superpower… well, I have the power to see things that aren’t there. No, I don’t hallucinate. Let me rephrase a bit. You know those intuitive types of people who can see past facades and insincerities? It is often said of them that they see situations and people for what they truly are. I, on the other hand, see things for what they’re not.

It usually starts innocently enough. I’ll be going about my own business when something random unexpectedly catches my eye. A thought bubble appears above my head that says, “Hmmm.” Which is shorthand (or short-brain?) for “That looks interesting. I wonder what I could not do with that.” And then I turn it something it’s not.

My superpower takes hold, and suddenly my paint pants become wall art:

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or my yard debris turns into a wood carving:

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or a sheet of carbon paper becomes a photo series:

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One might think this superpower of mine is not very useful for fighting crime, evil and injustice everywhere. And one would be correct. But it does fight boredom, taking-oneself-too-seriousness and creative block.

I think I should get a costume.  And a sidekick. And an alter ego moniker. Hmmm…

Just call me the Hmmm-inator. Or not.

Light Bulb Moment

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One of my favorite posts from 2016 was one I wrote for a second blog of mine, Glass Manifestations. I won’t be posting any recap for the year on that site, mostly because I only averaged a  little over one post per month (excluding the month I participated in the “A through Z” challenge). I hope to be more active with that blog next year, but in the meantime I wanted to repost this story from April 12, 2016 for my Stanza readers. I hope you enjoy it.

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Light Bulb Moment

So I had a “light bulb moment” the other day. You know, that moment when you have a sudden realization, an enlightenment of sorts, when the metaphorical light bulb turns on in your brain and you say, “Aha!”

Oh wait… that’s an “aha moment.” But anyway, that light bulb moment when you are struck with a sudden insight or inspiration that leads you on to new discoveries?

Yeah… that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about a real light bulb. You know… bulbous, light-producing… something that you screw into a socket so that someone doesn’t come along and stick their finger in it. That kind of light bulb.

Okay, on to my moment. I bought a light bulb that is supposed to have a 27 year life span. I can’t remember how much I paid for it. That memory is probably repressed to protect me from the trauma.

Nor can I remember what I was thinking when I decided that I needed this acme of amperage, this wonder of wattage, this lion of lumens.

Perhaps I just felt that, at some point in my dotage, I might want to switch on a lamp, and I could rest in ease knowing that my trusty light bulb would be there waiting to brighten my day. Or night.

So here I was, in possession of this almost ageless light bulb, and – as luck would have it – there was a burnt out bulb in one of my lamps. A perfect opportunity to begin my decades-long relationship with Brighton. (I figured if we were going to be together that long, the light bulb should have a name.)

I pulled Brighton out of my light bulb storage area (I seem to have quite a collection of light bulbs), and began wrestling with the packaging that was doggedly defending Brighton from harm. With a sudden shift of surrender, the packaging gave way, the bulb sprang free…

and began its unstoppable freefall to the hardwood floor.

The bulb crashed to the floor. My dog Chules came running to see what happened. I began to have visions of doggie blood spurting everywhere if Chules stepped on shards of Brighton. In one swift motion, I pushed Chules aside and bent down to assess the damage.

There lay Brighton. In one piece. On the floor. Where he landed after a four foot long plunge.

I tenderly picked Brighton up, held him to my ear, and gently shook him to see if I could hear that tinkling little noise that light bulbs make when their filament has broken. Mind you, with Brighton being the Superbulb that he is, I don’t even know if he has a filament. But I figured no sound is good sound.

I took Brighton to my bulb-less lamp and with trepidation screwed him into the socket. Holding my breath, I reached with quaking hand to flip the switch.

And then there was light!!!! Brighton’s alive! Metaphorically speaking, of course.

As I sit here basking in Brighton’s warm glow, I have every confidence that we will be together for a long, long time.

Hey, wait! Did someone turn out the lights? Brighton…?

Brighton?!?

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Look What I Found!

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This week’s Discover Challenge at The Daily Post asks us to look back at our blog posts for this past year and find a way to build on or synthesize our best work of 2016.

My best work? Well, having only managed a single post for most of the months this year, the “best” of it becomes a rather short list. Nonetheless, I’ve taken on the challenge of using lines from previous posts to create a “found poem.” Here it is:

Glass Scraps

Things aren’t always what they seem.
You can’t sleep on glass, you know.
Does it matter what smashed it?
I really don’t know how it feels to sleep in a ditch,
having never done so. That I recall.

Chewing on lead… bad idea.
What? You think?
Tell that to your Scrabble companions!

Stuff seems to seek us out at every port,
clinging to us like barnacles on a boat.
Take hostas for example. You know,
those green leafy plants that don’t look like ferns.
They do have a certain je ne sais quoi about them, no?
Or maybe a coagulation of gunked up motor oil
stuck to the floor of a mechanic’s garage.
You know how that is, right?

I never goosed anything, quantum or otherwise.
Since I’m too impatient to do all of that,
that session was cut short once the rock shrapnel
began pummeling the inside lining of my kiln.
Okay, I made that last part up.
This is starting to sound like that twine theory stuff.
Much better than the exploding rock episode.

So what is the significance of all of this?
If you can’t stand the heat,
don’t touch the tip of the soldering iron.
But where’s the fun in that?

If Dart has instilled in you a crippling fear of Tiffany lamp shades,
and since that seemed boring as all get out –
well… his work here is done.

The Daily Post’s Discover Challenge: Retrospective