Tag Archives: humor

Through My Eyes

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This rather large creature showed up on my deck the other day. I’m not a big fan of creepy-looking bugs, so I was none too pleased to see it lounging there in the sun as if waiting for me to fetch an iced tea and a straw.

“Would you like your tea with a squish of lemon?”

“Uh… did you say ‘squish’?” The creature eyed me nervously. Or at least I think it did. With those shimmering eyes it’s hard to tell where it may have been looking.

“Did I? That must have been a swat. A slap. Er, I mean a slip. What I meant to say  was a ‘slice’ of lemon.”

The creature shifted from one foot to the other. To the other… to the other…

“Everyone thinks my kind are terrible, and they just want us dead. Okay, so we suck blood. And spread diseases. And harm livestock.”

“And your point is?” I paused, boot in mid-air just inches above the creature’s head.

“Just try to see the world through my eyes.”

“Through your eyes?” I bent down to study the gleaming, striped, colorful shields that I assumed were the creature’s eyes.

“Yes. Look deeeeep into my eyes.” The creature began to sway back and forth. “You’re getting sleeeeepy….”

I could barely keep my head up. I just wanted to lay down and rest.

“When I count to ten, you’ll see things as I do.”

“You can count to ten? But you’re just a bug!”

“One… two… ”

I tried to blink, to turn away, but I couldn’t. The creature’s voice droned on.

“Eight… nine… ten! Now look at me and tell me what you see.”

I flicked my wings and shuffled my six feet.

“Wow! Words cannot describe!” I marveled. “But you know what? I suddenly have a thirst for blood.”

“Great! Let’s go find another unsuspecting human!”

And with that, we buzzed away into the sunny, blue sky.

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JNW’s Halloween Challenge: creature

Weekend Coffee Share 10/9/16

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If we were having coffee I would tell you I’m pleased to be seeing more and more signs of autumn. Leaves turning to vibrant hues, falling ground-ward only to swirl back up in the wind and skitter down the rain-slicked streets…

Okay, so I wouldn’t really use the words “skitter” and “rain-slicked” if we were sitting around sipping coffee. I might more likely say something like, “There go those damned dead leaves blowing down the street. You just know they’re going to end up clogging the rain drains, and then the streets will be flooding all winter.”

Along with the skittering leaves of the season, the autumnal rains have set in. I purchased a Gore-Tex coat a week or so ago to wear while walking my American Eskimo dog Chules this fall and winter. I thought about getting Chules a matching poncho, but with his thick double coat of fur, I doubt he even really feels the rain.

Except in his face, that is. He flattens his ears back against his head, and squints up at me accusingly as he hunker-trots along, side-stepping the larger puddles. I’m sure I’ll have that same look on my face in a few more weeks when the gusty cold winds force the rain from a vertical downpour to a horizontal onslaught. But for Chules’ sake – and mine – we’ll persevere in our daily walks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ll be watching the U.S. Presidential debate later today. It reminds me of when I was a child and my parents let me stay up late to watch Saturday Night Wrestling, featuring the likes of The Claw in his black mask (Booooo!!) and Rowdy Roddy McDowell (Hurrah!!!) in his kilt, and Beauregard something-or-other in not much more than his well-oiled muscles and skimpy wrestling shorts.

Invariably the actors wrestlers would end up in the spectator seats, chasing one another through the arena aisles, and slinging wooden folding chairs at one another that would break into splinters upon being cracked over someone’s head.

Watching the staged wrestling matches, one could get totally caught up in the drama and suspense even though you subconsciously knew that after the show these “sworn enemies” would likely be sipping beers together at some dive bar just down the street from the arena.

Wait… what was I talking about? Staged… actors… slinging… drama…

Oh, yes. The Presidential debate.

I’m just glad such nasty slime-slinging debates don’t blow in every autumn. It’s bad enough having to deal with those damned clogged rain drains.

Thanks to Diana at PartTimeMonsterBlog.com for hosting the #WeekendCoffeeShare.

The Literary Styles of Pets

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The Skimmer sifts through many books quickly, but can’t decide on which to read until they’ve slept on it.

 

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The Marathoner tries to read all the books in the library, but eventually must concede to exhaustion.

 

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The Ill-tempered peruses the books, and finding nothing of interest (i.e. food treats), sits and stares daggers at the librarian.

The Daily Post Discover Challenge: Animal

Nine Lives

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One day you ran away from me.
You dashed between two cars.
With three great leaps you crossed four lanes.
I thanked your lucky stars.

Five dogs behind a six foot fence
you noticed noticed you.
You didn’t see the seven inch gap
that let them slip right through.

Eight inches from your heels they chased;
you couldn’t take much more.
The dogs howled with dismay as you
slammed through your small cat door.

Twas just that morn nine lives you had;
lost eight while on the run.
You scared me nearly half to death.
Now we’re down to half plus one.

JNW’s Halloween Challenge Day 4: Cat

Weekend Coffee Share 10/1/16

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my adventures in landscaping continue.

I pulled some more railroad ties out from the dirt bank that they were supposed to be supporting in my back yard. In reality, the ties were so rotten that the only things holding them against the bank were plant roots that had laced their way through the crumbling wood.

One railroad tie held a defunct wasp nest that dropped out in pieces when I moved the tie. Ah, yes. I remember that nest well.

My lawnmower had inadvertently upset the demon insects a couple of years ago, and they had come pouring out of the holes in the railroad tie intent on retaliation. Unfortunately, the lawnmower pointed the finger at me, and so I was the recipient of multiple wasp stings, wasps caught in my hair, and wasps in my house where they had pursued me when I attempted to escape.

My first thought, when I picked up the crumbly layers and saw the wasp carcasses stuck in the pockets of the nest, was – well, not charitable.

My second thought was, “Hey, I bet my granddaughter would find this interesting!” So when my daughter stopped by the house a few days later, I gifted her with the erstwhile insects to share with her little one. She was thrilled!

If we were having coffee, you’d probably be making a mental note to not invite me to participate in your Secret Santa pool. Hard telling what anonymous gifts might end up in the mix.

But, wait! It gets better!

Yesterday when raking leaves in my back yard I uncovered a small jawbone with some ragged-looking teeth still in residence.

My first thought was, “Hey, I bet my granddaughter would find this interesting!”

My second thought was, “Wow, my granddaughter is going to think I’m really weird if I keep giving her dead things.”

I’m not sure to what species the teeth belong. Opossum? Cat? Raccoon? Regardless, the mystery mandible is in a plastic baggy on top of my fridge, awaiting pick up by my daughter. She’ll be thrilled!

* * *

Would you like more coffee? I’ve got something else to show you that I found in the back yard the other day.

Yes, it once was alive. Yes, it’s now dead. Yes, it’s a bit decayed…

Oh, you have to leave now? Well that was sudden, but okay. I’ll just tuck it away to show you next time.

Trust me, you’ll be thrilled!

Thanks to Diana at PartTimeMonsterBlog.com for hosting the #weekendcoffeeshare.

Vertebrate Sapiens

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Humans are so creepy,
with only four legs and
hairy heads and
just two eyes that sometimes
have glassy covers or dark lids which
obscure their eyes completely.

Whenever they see me
they jump and scream
and start flailing their four legs about;
you’d think they’d caught a hornet
in their web.

It’s really quite scary.
I wish they’d leave me alone
and go back to where they came from,
wherever that is.

Sometimes I play with them.
I know it’s not spiderly of me,
but it’s such a kick to hear their squeals when they
pull back the shower curtain and find me
hiding in the bath tub.

This Halloween I think I will dress up
as a human.

The Daily Post one-word prompt: Jump

Canine Culpability

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It’s National Dog Day. Let’s celebrate man’s best friend (and world’s worst actors).

 

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“I’m really sorry I did it. Really, really sorry. Um… which ‘it’ did you discover?”

 

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“I don’t know why the cat dug up the water sprinkler, but I scared him away just before you got here.”

 

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“There’s something stuck between my teeth? How embarrassing. Do you have a mirror?”

 

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Cat: “If stealth were a diet, you dogs would starve. Some day I’ll teach you the fine art of aloofness.”

Dog: “You’re a real pal, cat.”

Cat: “Let’s just keep that between you and me. I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”